I just logged into my wordpress for the first time in a long time and it popped up with a notice that said “it’s been two months since you’ve had anything to say, would you like to do that now?” I have to be honest with you all when I say that I’ve been putting off putting up a blog post because I just don’t feel like I have anything to say. Which I guess for those that know me seems weird as I always have something to say but for the past few months I’ve felt nothing. There isn’t any big topic that I feel like weighing in on. There hasn’t been an event that has pushed me to feel like contributing my opinion. I haven’t gone to bed with a topic on my mind like I have in the past and if we’re being real here, I’ve been stressed about it. The kind of stressed where all I can think about is the fact that I’ve been quiet for to long.
So much has happened in the world since my last post. Many things that have been controversial and bring out all of the experts on the topic, which just so happens to be everyone most of the time. I’ve thought about posting about the election and my views. I’ve thought about sharing an article about my feelings about how hard parenting is and just how easy and quickly mistakes happen since we live in the era of perfect parents. I’ve seen blog entry after blog entry about gorillas and babies, crocodiles and exercising empathy and understanding and with each entry I think “there’s a person who is organized and has themselves together, I need get moving!” There have been many topics that have crossed my mind but I have very guiltily had next to no desire to write about them.
The more I’ve thought about it the more I’ve realized that we live in such a loud world. A world where opinions are required on just about every topic. Where the loud oppress the quiet. Where if your opinion isn’t shouted from the rooftops and shared in your most recent Facebook post then it doesn’t count for anything. It’s a world now where everyone is the expert on the topic regardless of how educated they may actually be. No one who has a different view than you can possibly be right or have valid reasons for their feelings. I guess I’ve learned that being quiet means that something is wrong. That not knowing how you feel, or not having anything to say means that you need more education on the topic instead of simply meaning that you don’t have an opinion.
As I’ve looked deeper into my life, my attitude about silence reigns supreme through all aspects. Being in the kitchen doing dishes while my husband sits silently at the table across from me means that I’ve probably done something wrong, not that he’s tired and overworked. Sitting in my dark room at night with only the glow of my computer means I’m lazy for not blogging regardless of how many conversations I’ve carried on with children of all ages all day, or how many episodes of Sonic Dash I’ve watched, or listened to. I’ve found myself sitting on the couch, staring in silence as my child sits on his bedroom floor alone and thought, “he probably needs someone to play with him” even if he didn’t ask. No matter how long the day has been and how welcoming the silence is, there is always something else I should be doing.
Silence is where I find who I am again at night after a long day of stress. Silence is where I get lost in my memories of meeting my husband, or the day my babies were born and smile to myself. I daydream in the silence about how someday I’m going to have a fridge that I don’t have to share and when I go to Costco I can get the big thing of yogurt instead of the small one because I don’t have to worry about storage space. Silence is where I save myself from ruining friendships and relationships because sometimes it’s more important to exercise love for those that have a different opinion or live a different life. It’s either that or steamrolling them with what you have to say or what you feel you need to say.
So while I’ve been sitting over here stressing about how long it’s been since I’ve blogged, I’ve found this side of me that needs to take more time to be quiet. It’s not necessary to be the expert on every topic or have the best opinion or comment about the news article that you just read. It’s not imperative that you are the loudest voice in an already loud world. It’s important to educate yourself. It’s important to be an involved member of society and a contributing member of your families and communities. Silence doesn’t mean lazy. It doesn’t mean you don’t know anything. It doesn’t mean that you should hurry and google something so that you can interject how you feel into the conversation being held at thanksgiving dinner. It just means that you don’t have anything to say, and that my friends is perfectly okay.